58: What If the Life You’re Waiting For Is Already Happening? | Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh – Badass Books and Besties
Oh, besties – do I have a treat for you today! I will be providing a mini summary & review of one my absolute FAVORITE books: Untamed by Glennon Doyle. This book quite literally rocked my world and absolutely changed my mindset.
We read this book in the Badass Book Besties last year and it still comes up in conversation to this day – I reference its themes quite often and consistently recommend it. I hope after today’s episode that you’ll run out and grab yourself a copy if you don’t have one already!
Inspirational Mindset
Before we dive in, I’d like to start with some quotes that TRULY resonate with the book we are about to explore. I hope they inspire you as much as they do me!
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – e.e. cummings
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Just because everyone is going in one direction, doesn’t mean you should. Everyone could be wrong.”
What I love most about these three quotes is that they express how important it is for you to just GO FOR IT and be who you wish to be. Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle or make you feel like you can’t become who you wish to be. You are meant to be different – I mean, think about what Dr. Suess told us years ago – there is no one in this world who is more youer than you!
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman
This one encourages me to GRAB LIFE BY THE OVARIES and do what makes my soul sing – what makes your soul thrive? What are your passions?
“It is quite a revelation to discover that the place you wanted to escape to is the exact same place you escaped from. That the prison wasn’t the place, but the perspective” (Midnight Library by Matt Haig 284).
This is another great book recommendation that our book club read last year…it was before we switched to only reading female authors, but the storyline really captivated each of us.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Buddha
I know this one is a tough one to think about because it’s hard to control our emotions, especially when someone else has hurt us. BUT…you must move on with your life and recognize that being angry only hurts you.
Ahhh, so now that we’ve had some fantastic quotes to start our journey, let’s jump right in!
Introduction
“Here’s to The Untamed. May we know them. May we raise them. May we love them. May we read them. May we elect them. May we be them” (333).
There are times when you come across a book that literally speaks to your soul and unleashes so many new ideas and feelings. From the beginning, Doyle’s discussion of women being compared to cheetahs caged in a zoo – as in, they are meant to be free and living life with wild abandon and not confined to society’s concept of what a woman “should” be – I was captured (no pun intended). Her story resonated with me in so many ways and I couldn’t help but thrust my fist into the air when she spoke a truth that I agreed with on so many levels.
Doyle shares mini vignettes about her life that exemplify the idea that women have been shunned, pushed aside, and held to certain standards since the literal dawn of time…well, really since Adam and Eve were first created (if you believe in that one bestselling book, the Bible). Even though the organization of the stories didn’t seem to flow well, and it seemed like the storyline was all over the place, the themes of each chapter held so much more meaning than how it was presented. In each of these mini stories, she explains and expresses why she now believes the way that she does – and by the end of it, I believe you will too.
She begins her story by introducing her wife, Abby, and how she’s the happiest she’s ever been. Throughout her life, she has been sheltered by society and conformed to the ideals of what they wanted her to follow. We as women are ingrained to believe that we are not worthy enough to speak our mind or to be who are truly meant to be. We are fed information about how we should present ourselves and how we are supposed to look. We are meant to be good girls who control ourselves and don’t show our wild sides.
She then explains the four keys to our freedom, which are Emotions, Intuition, Imagination, and Courage. If you choose to use these keys in everything you do, you will see how much you can bloom into the woman you are meant to be.
Are you willing and brave enough to unlock yourself,
to set yourself free, and to let others see the REAL you?
My Review
So many intriguing questions arose when I read this memoir; I began to analyze my own life and my place in the world based on how I had been raised and whether my ideas were even my own! How much of my own life have I been living according to someone else’s expectations? Everything that I have learned up this point about being a woman has been flipped on its head because of this book…and I’m okay with that.
At the beginning, she discusses the things she has done in her life to be “accepted” by her peers or by men, and dammit if I didn’t fit the bill for so many and even added more of my own: spending money to be beautiful, starving myself to be thin, vying for men’s attention because it made me feel worthy, allowing a man to verbally and physically abuse me because I was too chicken shit to speak my truth…the list goes on.
She also struck a nerve with me when she makes a remark about Abby, who is able to relax during the day, “Must be nice to feel worthy of the space you take up on the earth without hustling to earn it every minute. Must be nice to rest and still feel worthy” (266). I didn’t even realize that I had attached my self-worth to my desire to feel busy/productive! Anytime I am unproductive, I sleep in, or I don’t get everything done that I wanted to, I feel shitty and that I’ve wronged some ruler of my world. But then, who would I actually be disappointing with my actions?
And then I wonder, doesn’t our culture frown upon relaxing? Doesn’t it frown on people sitting at home doing nothing but binging Netflix, and eating bonbons? Isn’t the idea of life (according to the societal norms) to be consistently working on something instead of relaxing? Isn’t that ingrained into our culture as humans…or wait, is it just females? Fuck, I don’t know! At the end of the day, being productive makes me feel better about myself, so…I’ll take it.
If you wish to see yourself as a true woman or wish for your view to be expanded about the amazingness of women, READ THIS BOOK. Some of the members of the Badass Book Besties weren’t on board with her writing style or her way of thinking, but I felt freed by her writing. I felt like I was a goddamn cheetah and should release the chains that have bound me to staying silent and presenting myself the way others wanted me to be. Being a woman is the ultimate gift one can have (sorry, not sorry boys) and I am so thankful to be one.
Here are some key takeaways, organized by theme, that are worth mentioning here:
Lessons to Learn About Treatment of Women
o “Boys are still being taught that real men are big, bold, violent, invulnerable, disgusted by femininity, and responsible for conquering women and the world…[while] women must be quiet, pretty, small, passive, and desirable so they’ll be worthy of being conquered” (12).
o “Our culture was built upon and benefits from the control of women. The way power justifies controlling a group is by conditioning the masses to believe that the group cannot be trusted” (114-115).
o From a young age, we are taught that speaking our mind is unacceptable – that it’s unladylike and “too much.”
o The stories we hear as children teach us to not be adventurous because we will be attacked by big bad wolves or deadly spindles.
o Diet and beauty industries convince us that we are imperfect and must be improved.
o Politicians make decisions about our bodies and our reproductive systems. They will not believe us when we say we have been harmed by men, but rather blame us.
o In religion women are seen as the reason for our problems. “When a woman wants more, she defies God, betrays her partner, curses her family, and destroys the world” (115).
o In return, we learn to not trust our personalities, our curiosity, our bodies, our government, or religion. We are taught to believe that we are not good enough, and we should hide our true colors. They want us to lose ourselves completely. What better way to get control over women by convincing them to do it themselves? Stop controlling yourself and start loving yourself. Don’t worry about other’s expectations and don’t worry about disappointing them. “What the world needs is more women who have quit fearing themselves and started trusting themselves” (117).
o If true change is to happen, the person who has inflicted the pain must be the one to stand up. For example, when it comes to women’s rights, we need men to stand up for us. We need them to show the world the injustices that we have lived under since Eve ate the apple.
o We have been conditioned “to mistrust and dislike strong, confident, happy girls and women” (285), which is the opposite of what men experience; the better they are, the more liked they are. Subconsciously it’s because these confident women are breaking cultural rules, and we become so irked by their boldness that we want to put them back in their cage. In return, we downplay ourselves and our accomplishments to avoid threatening someone else; the yearn to be liked is greater than the desire to show off who we are. “We do not accept compliments…discount our opinions…we ask if our ideas make sense instead of assuming they do. We apologize for…everything” (285).
Be Authentic
o You don’t need permission or acceptance from anyone to make a decision in your life.
o “There is no one way to live, love, raise children, arrange a family, run a school, a community, a nation. The norms were created by somebody, and each of us is somebody” (70-71).
o “What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world’s expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves…[she] knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done” (75).
o Stop stressing out about doing life “wrong” and realize that being human is hard, and in living, you’re doing it right. Being imperfect, is essentially a perfect way to be.
o Loyalty to yourself is the meaning of true confidence. In doing so, you will attract the people who love you for YOU.
o Living in the name of love, with an open heart, is what makes life worth living. You do YOU with all your heart and soul. Do not judge others for what they do; instead decide what is true and beautiful for YOU and dare to change your life accordingly.
o When you love someone, it must be unconditional, or it’s not love.
o “Every time you pretend to be less than you are, you steal permission from other women to exist fully” (286).
o Be humble. Know who you are and be PROUD. Think of it as an honor and a responsibility to become who you are meant to be. Praise the powerful women who are showing off their true identities and be inspired to do the same.
Rise Up to Your Worth
o “There it’s a life meant for you that is truer than the one you’re living. But to have it, you will have to forge it yourself. You’ll have to create on the outside what you are imagining on the inside. Only you can bring it forth. And it will cost you everything” (64).
o To build a new world for yourself, you must be willing to destroy the old one; your new truth must be your new path.
o You don’t have to be defensive or convince someone about what you want — no one can take what you desire away from you. Trust yourself to please yourself. Protect your island, even if it means you must shut people out who don’t believe in you or what you stand for. Decide right now, with honor and intention, what you will allow on your island and what you will not. “Do not lower the drawbridge for anything other than what you have decided is permitted on your island, no matter who is carrying it” (194).
o Consider being passionate with a heartfelt purpose.
o Support the vision that your loved ones have for their own lives, instead of forcing your ideas upon them and assuming that you know what’s best. Let love be out of your control and a little scary. “It is wild to let others be wild” (316).
Obtain Emotional Support
o Being present is highly recommended for those with anxiety; you aren’t fearful of the past, as it has already happened, while the future isn’t here yet to be concerned with.
o Hurting is a sign of living; don’t fear the pain or suffer through it, but rather, lean into it, as it’s the right thing to do. ALL Feelings are meant to be felt, not fixed, ignored, or hidden by spending money frivolously – no matter how hard they are to bear. “To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution” (51) and to experience that transformation, you must be willing to accept your emotions on a deeper level. You are strong enough!
o “We can do hard things, like be alive and love deep and lose it all, because we do these hard things alongside everyone who has ever walked the Earth with her eyes, arms, and heart wide open” (88).
o If you are ever lost, find a large tree to use as a home base; this way, you can venture out as needed, but you’ll have a “home” to return to. Now, imagine that this tree is you – you are your safe space. Your soil is the conglomeration of everything you have experienced in your life and the branches are your imagination.
o If we imagine that we are buckets – filled with our souls at birth – then maybe at death, we are all poured out into one large ocean of souls. This thought can make you feel that you are not alone. “You are a bucket of sea. That’s why you feel so big and so small” (148).
Boys Can Be Kind & Soft
o Boys are caged too; they are following what they have learned from society. Boys have been conditioned to believe that:
1) Men are more powerful and will do what it takes to keep the status quo.
2) Girls should not reject men because they are made to validate a man’s masculinity.
3) Boys cannot be vulnerable with each other, which in turn makes them homophobic.
4) Crying is unacceptable and pain is weakness.
o “We train boys to believe that the way to become a man is to objectify and conquer women, value wealth and power above all, and suppress any emotions other than competitiveness and rage. Then we are stunned when our boys become exactly what we have trained them to be” (164).
o Men are not allowed to feel or express “feminine” traits, such as tenderness, kindness, or empathy, as these would make them seem weak. We should instead consider these human traits; there should be no difference between masculinity and femininity. These strict gender roles keep men in power.
o We must help train our boys to be soft, nurturing, and caring. We must ask them about their emotions and how they feel. We must encourage them to be vulnerable and express themselves. We must allow them to be human and not force gender ideologies onto them.
My Rating
This book earns a 4.8/5 stars. While I absolutely love and cherish this book, it would have been near perfect if the vignettes were organized in a more understandable pattern. Either way, I highly recommend this one!
Final Thoughts
Glennon Doyle’s Untamed is an empowering call to break free from societal expectations and live authentically. By embracing our inner Knowing and trusting ourselves, we can create lives filled with liberation, joy, and purpose. Doyle’s story is a reminder that the journey to self-discovery is worth taking, no matter how challenging it may seem.
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Live untamed, besties, and embrace your most authentic selves! 🚀✨