How to Choose Your Values, Learn the Benefit of Failures, and Become Who You’re Meant to Be

Hello, beautiful souls! I am so glad you’re here! If you’re tuning in for the first time, welcome! If you’re back for another episode, well I appreciate the shit out of you!

On today’s episode, I will be sharing an incredible book I read a few years back that REALLY impacted me and I hope it does the same for you! It’s called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. I’ll be breaking up some of the ideas in multiple episodes, so as not to be overwhelming or too cumbersome to apply all at once. I’ll share some of the insights from different chapters so that you too can truly stop giving a fuck.

If you’ve never heard of the book by Mark Manson, here’s a quick synopsis from Goodreads: 

“In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger cuts through the crap to show us how to stop trying to be “positive” all the time so that we can truly become better, happier people.

For decades, we’ve been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. “F**k positivity,” Mark Manson says. “Let’s be honest, shit is f**ked and we have to live with it.” In his wildly popular Internet blog, Manson doesn’t sugarcoat or equivocate. He tells it like it is—a dose of raw, refreshing, honest truth that is sorely lacking today. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is his antidote to the coddling, let’s-all-feel-good mindset that has infected American society and spoiled a generation, rewarding them with gold medals just for showing up.

Manson makes the argument, backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes, that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better. Human beings are flawed and limited—”not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.” Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties, once we stop running and avoiding and start confronting painful truths, we can begin to find the courage, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, curiosity, and forgiveness we seek.

There are only so many things we can give a f**k about so we need to figure out which ones really matter, Manson makes clear. While money is nice, caring about what you do with your life is better, because true wealth is about experience. A much-needed grab-you-by-the-shoulders-and-look-you-in-the-eye moment of real-talk, filled with entertaining stories and profane, ruthless humor, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is a refreshing slap for a generation to help them lead contented, grounded lives.”

My Thoughts

Sounds incredible, right? I thought the exact same thing! And who doesn’t love the idea of improving our lives by dropping the self-limiting beliefs, the idea that we have to feel good ALL THE TIME, and letting go of worrying about what others think of us.

Now, I have an incredibly irritating issue. I worry too damn much about what other people think. I have spent my idle time pondering about what people may think about my outfit, how extra skin hangs over my pants like a busted can of biscuits, how I want people to accept me for who I am but yet change who I am so people will like me.  It’s an endless cycle of utter bull crap.  Why do I need to focus SO. MUCH. on how the world views me when I should just focus on who I am and what makes ME happy?

This is one of the reasons that my best friend Regina decided to buy me this book – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson – a few years ago.  She knew it would be an inspirational & motivational kick in the ass to stop WORRYING SO DAMN MUCH.

Hence, why it took me YEARS to read it. Maybe I was afraid of actually taking responsibility for my feelings and bettering myself. It’s always hard for someone to change who they are, considering they have spent their whole lives being this other person.

With that being said, I thought it best to take notes while reading this book to accomplish a few tasks:

• Be reminded of what is important and what I should follow
• Enable myself to physically write notes down instead of just highlighting the text (which I HATE to do, unless it’s a school textbook…no, I don’t like that either)
• Be able to give a complete and thorough review for other people to learn from
• Provide an in-depth summary to those who wish to read the book, but really would love the condensed/Spark Notes version.

This summary or a retelling if you will, will be intense, but descriptive and remarkably informative. I promise you, though, it’s most definitely worth the read.  Every. Single. Page.  I gained so much value from this book, so much insight, and so many life lessons. I just need to remember them all (hence, the notes…).

As I mentioned, I’ve organized the information by Chapter in an effort to keep it just as organized as the author, but will only share a few at a time for you. Since it is a lot of information to digest, I want to give you the opportunity to slowly understand and apply what you have learned.

So, if you’re ready to learn some insight from this incredible and life changing book, let’s get started!

Chapter 1: Don’t Try

• Be unflinchingly honest with yourself, especially the worst parts of yourself, and share your feelings without hesitation or doubt. Why shelter the world from how you really feel because you think it’s going to make it better for you…it’s not.  It’s only making you HIDE your authentic self, and that will forever be a struggle. Let it go and be who you are.

• Focus on the negatives in life instead of just focusing on the positive; this only serves to remind you of “what you are not, what you lack, and what you should have been but failed to be.” (4) “The acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience…. Pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place.” (9)  When you evaluate what it is you want out of life and you constantly try to race for that dream, you’re only going to run out of air. Instead of spending your time doing MORE, spend your time focusing on your failures and how you can improve.  Focus on what went wrong in your life, be open with your insecurities and your faults, and FAIL.  It’s the only way you will truly be able to grow into a better person.

• Give a fuck about the things that are important in life – those things you value most. “Reserve your fucks for what truly matters.” (16)  When you decide what is valuable to you and what you want to care about, you can stop worrying about those things that don’t really matter. Like – other people’s opinions of you, what people may say about you, or even who doesn’t choose to like you.  Remember: you may be the juiciest, tastiest, most delectable peach in the world…but there are still people who don’t like peaches.

• “The idea of not giving a fuck is a simple way or reorienting our expectations for life and choosing what is important and what is not.” (21). This concept seems so obvious, but people tend to care about so much – things that truly do NOT matter, and it takes their mind away from what they really should be thinking about. Don’t worry about the guy who cut you off in traffic and made you a couple of minutes late – worry about the fact that you made it to work safely instead.

Chapter 5: You Are Always Choosing

• We as individuals are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances.

• “The real questions are: what are we choosing to give a fuck about? What values are we choosing to base our actions on? What metrics are we choosing to use to measure our life?” (95).

• “The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.” (96).  This one is a hard lesson to learn. So often, people want to place the blame somewhere else.  They want to make it someone else’s issue or someone else’s problem to take care of.  I think of this whenever I see people just throwing away goods instead of recycling them or giving them to someone in need. “Not my problem.  Not my circus. Not my monkeys.”  You’ve heard it before – out of sight, out of mind.  However, just because it’s out of your life, doesn’t mean its not your responsibility anymore.

• “Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.” (96) Being responsible for your problems is not the same as being at fault. Take action with your responsibilities and do not focus on it being your fault or not. You get to choose how you see things, how you react to things, and how you value things.

• Responsibility and fault are not the same thing – just because you take responsibility for something does not mean that you are at fault for it; you are just being a mature adult. “Nobody else is every responsible for your situation but you. Many people may be to blame for your unhappiness, but nobody is ever responsible for your unhappiness but you.” (99) Don’t blame anyone else for your problems; take responsibility and ownership and learn how to solve them.

• “We all love to take responsibility for success and happiness…but taking responsibility for our problems is more important, as this is where the real learning comes from.” (102)

• “We all get dealt cards.  Some of us get better cards than others…the real game lies in the choices we make with those cards, the risks you decide to take, and the consequences we choose to live with.” (109)

• “You are already choosing, in every moment of every day, what to give a fuck about, so change is as simple as choosing to give a fuck about something else.” (113) It will be hard to do, though, and make you feel disoriented and that you are not yourself. You will feel uncomfortable. You will feel like a fraud, but you have to keep in mind…it is your authentic self and how you should be living. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. “Giving up a value you’ve depended on for years is going to feel disorienting” and that’s NORMAL. (113)

Chapter 6: You’re Wrong About Everything (But So Am I)

• Accepting the inevitable imperfections of our values is necessary for any growth to take place.

• Instead of looking to be right all the time, we should be looking for how we’re wrong all the time. Being wrong opens us up to the possibility of change and growth.

• “Many people become so obsessed with being ‘right’ about their life that they never end up actually living it.” (118)  People will live up to their own beliefs, because they believe it to be true, no matter what anyone else says. Think of a single woman who complains about being single, but never leaves the house. Or the woman who wants to make more, but never asks for a raise because she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough. “Being wrong opens us up to the possibility of change…for growth.” (119)

• There is no such thing as a positive or negative experience.  “Some of the most stressful moments of our lives also end up being the most formative and motivating” (119) What you feel to be negative right now may turn out years later to be a positive experience.

• “Our brains are meaning machines…meaning is generated by the associations our brain makes between two or more experiences…Once we create meaning for ourselves, our brains are designed to hold on to that meaning…Even if we see evidence that contradicts the meaning we created, we often ignore it and keep on believing anyway.” (122-123)

• “Our brain is always trying to make sense of our current situation based on what we already believe I have already experienced. Every piece of information is measured against the values and conclusions we already have…so our brain is always biased towards what we feel to be true in that moment.” (125) Our brain wants to cohere with all of our previous experiences, feelings, and beliefs.   it helps the mind to maintain whatever meaning it had already established. 

• This is why it’s important to question your own intentions and motivations more. However, in doing so – would you never trust yourself to be successful? When you question your abilities and what you are capable of, do you in turn end up not doing what you thought you could do? Manson states that self-skepticism and the challenging of our own believes is a logical route to progress, but if we believe in ourselves and trust ourselves less than we did before, then what would be the point of trying?

• The pursuit of certainty is unattainable and often breeds more insecurity. “The more you try to be certain about something, the more uncertain and insecure you will feel…The more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know…Uncertainty relieves us of our judgment of ourselves. We don’t know if we’re lovable, attractive or how successful we could potentially become. The only way to achieve these things is to remain uncertain of them and be open to finding them out through experience.” (134-135)

• He begins a discussion on people who want things out of life and who want to change their trajectory but don’t because it’s giving up the identity that they have known for so long. It reminds me of how I feel at this point in my life. I’ve been in education for so long, almost 9 years to be exact, but it feels out of my identity to leave and go follow some other passion or some other dream.  However, if I don’t take that chance and jump off that proverbial ledge into something new, then I wouldn’t know what it would be like to live passionately and to live with the purpose you think you are now destined to have. We as people try to live up to these values that we have created for ourselves and justify them as to why we continue to follow them; we protect them. This is how our brain is wired.

• “The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it…There’s a certain comfort that comes with knowing how you fit in the world. Anything that shakes up that comfort – even if it could potentially make your life better – is inherently scary.” (136)

• “Until we change how we view ourselves, what we believe we are and what we are not, we cannot overcome our avoidance and anxiety.” (138) It’s like my fear of wondering if I should do a book blog/podcast, etc. I have that fear of doubt that I’m not good enough and that there are other people out there who will be better and who are already doing this. I feel like a fraud because I think, “what do I know about books or what can I share with others that they can’t already learn from someone else?” However, I can’t change unless I take that first step and just try it.  I have to just DO IT (Ugh, Nike). Manson says, “don’t find yourself. Never know who you are. Because that’s what keeps you striving and discovering… It forces you to remain humble in your judgment and accepting of the differences in others.”

• “Measure yourself by more mundane identities…the narrower and rarer the identity you choose for yourself, the more everything will seem to threaten you” and make you feel inadequate. (140)

• In order to be less certain of yourself, you need to ask yourself the following questions:
  • What if I’m wrong? Entertain the thought, but do not hate on yourself.
  • What would it mean if I were wrong?
  • Would being wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem for both myself and others? (144)

• “If it feels like it’s you versus the world, chances are it’s really just you versus yourself.” (146)  This brings up the idea that you shouldn’t judge yourself against what others are doing or how they’re performing better or worse than you. You focus on you and how you are, because that is what matters the most. What you put out into the world is better than thinking about whether it’s better or worse than somebody else.

Final Thoughts and Key Takeaways

Wow, right? I sure hope you enjoyed today’s episode and learned some valuable insight! Here are some key takeaways:

1. Be unflinchingly honest with yourself, especially the worst parts of yourself, and share your feelings without hesitation or doubt. Be YOU – remember, everyone else is already taken.
2. Instead of spending your time doing MORE, spend your time focusing on your failures and how you can improve. 
3. Remember to only focus on and give a fuck about the things that are important in life – those things you value most.
4. The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.
5. You are already choosing, in every moment of every day, what to give a fuck about, so change is as simple as choosing to give a fuck about something else
6. Instead of looking to be right all the time, we should be looking for how we’re wrong all the time. Being wrong opens us up to the possibility of change and growth.
7. Don’t give up on becoming the person who you’re meant to be because you think you will fail. Assume that shit will hit the fan and you WILL fail…and guess what? That’s the whole fucking point.

Ready for more?

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Keep embracing your journey, besties! 🚀✨

Until next time, badass besties, be authentic, be you, and fuck the haters who think you can’t do it. You’ve got this!