How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Living Authentically

Besties!

We are officially in December now and the holiday music is in full swing, along with the To Do List that’s only miles long… It’s beginning to look a lot like fuck this…

Actually, I love the holiday – the bright lights, the beautiful music, and surrounding myself with the things I love the most that start with the letter F. Family, Friends, Food, and…

Introduction to Episode

Well on today’s episode, I’d like to start with something new. I’m going to start adding an impactful quote at the beginning of each episode to really get you in the right mindset and help you fully step into the topic.

Today, we’re going to touch on a super important message that I know so many of us need to hear and TRULY understand – I know I did:

People pleasing and how to walk away from the worry of being the perfect person for everyone else. As I’ve said before in a previous episode – you can be the juiciest, tastiest peach, but there are still people who don’t like peaches. I can’t imagine not enjoying a tasty & absolutely delicious peach, but hey – everyone has their wrong opinions.

So the quote for this episode is from the novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, she says, “You are good to those who are good to you. It is all I ever desire to be. If people are always kind and obedient to those who are cruel and unjust, the wicked people would have it all their own way; they would never feel afraid and so they would never alter but would grow worse and worse. When we are struck out without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should – so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again… I must dislike those who, whatever I do to please them, persist in disliking me; I must resist those who punish me unjustly.” (37)

How does that quote make you feel? What thoughts start to come up for you? The part that resonated the most with me was the part, “When we are struck out without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should – so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again… I must dislike those who, whatever I do to please them, persist in disliking me; I must resist those who punish me unjustly.”

It’s important to NOT let someone else treat you like shit, just because you are too afraid to tell them how you feel or express your needs. You are a value to this world and should be treated as such. Think of what Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

With that being said – YOU MUST tell people your needs and how you wish to be treated. Sure – you will have some who are unwilling to rise up to your needs…and you’ll have to accept that. Hailey Magee, a certified coach and writer whose mission is to help people break the people-pleasing pattern and set empowered boundaries, once said that once you drop the people pleasing and become who you are meant to be, you might lose friends or people who have been in your life for quite some time because they choose not to treat you the way you wish to be treated. There may come a time when your circle of friends gets so low, you’ll be afraid you made the wrong choice…but you didn’t. Just like it took you YEARS to become you, it will take awhile to find new friends or confidantes.

But that’s okay. Growth, change, and adjustments take time. You can do this. I believe in you.

Break the People-Pleasing Patterns and Stay True to Yourself

Sooooo…as you might have guessed, today’s episode is all about How to Break the People-Pleasing Patterns and Stay True to Yourself.

For me – I am a recovering people pleaser and have been for most of my life.

According to MedicalNewsToday.com, there are multiple signs of what it means to be a people pleaser.

They may:

• Find it hard to say no, even if they don’t have the time
• Overcommit to plans or responsibilities because they think that what will make someone else happy
• Avoid stating their own needs or saying they don’t need help when they really do.
• Avoid disagreements or standing up for themselves to ensure someone isn’t upset with them for how they feel or what they said
• Feel pressure to be friendly, nice, or cheerful at all times
• Feel taken advantage of, even though they don’t express their needs as they should
• Feel fucking stressed the hell out!

And so much more!

Where do we learn to people please?

But…how does one become afflicted with this terrible disease?! Well, once you can recognize that, you’ll reallllly be able to understand yourself and why you are the way that you are (at least, I sure did). Some possible causes:

1. Low self-esteem; if you feel worthless, you’ll expect others to see you the same way (which causes you to overcompensate and your purpose becomes helping others).
2. Anxiety (I’m sure we can all raise our hands on this one); the need to fit in with others and not experiencing rejection.
3. Culture and/or environment you were raised in; some families/communities raise their children to believe that the collective whole is more important than the individual.
4. Sexism – the idea that women are meant to be the sole care takers of children, as their more maternal, when in actuality anyone can do it. It’s like the idea that boys are told they can’t play with dolls. Why the hell not?! Are they not able to learn empathy or how to care for another human – plastic or not? I mean seriously – why is it so frowned upon when a boy plays with Barbie dolls or a girl plays with action figures? That whole dynamic will most definitely be in another episode, I assure you. There’s also the idea that women just “take care” of others more, which in turn causes women in a heterosexual relationship to feel compelled to put their partner first.
5. In serious cases, some may have a personality disorder where they rely heavily on someone else’s opinion in dictating what they should do with their life.
6. But the one that most likely affected me the most – trauma. Oh, the word of the century, I know. I used to think PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was reserved for those in the military until I realized what it really was. Due to traumatic events in one’s life – however horrific it may have been, can lead someone to “gain the affection and admiration of those they fear as a means of survival.” You know there are tumultuous times in your life, and so you’ll do anything to stay safe – which ultimately means putting your own needs or wishes to the side. You’d rather the other person be okay with you, than they other way around, because you know if THEY are happy, YOU will be safer.

My Own Experience

For me – people pleasing stems from the idea of just never being good enough. Never being able to just be ME, as so many people in my life just try to constantly change who I am.

• I get excited about something and I’m told, “You talk too much and you’re too loud. Calm down. Are you okay; you seem to be too excited.”
• I struggle with weight, eating too much, and not keeping my food and I’m told, “You need to lose weight and wear a girdle. No, you don’t need seconds. How much weight did you gain?”
• I try to be kind and accommodating to others. I’m told, “you just gotta stop letting people get to you. It’s easy to let it go.”
• I say my true feelings and how I feel sad or left out. I’m told, “Well, that’s because you overreact and look at things the wrong way. Stop looking at it that way because you’re wrong. Why are you the way you are? People are bothered by you. I don’t have time to spend with you because I don’t want to.”
• I get excited about my friends and their accomplishments. Then I tell them mine. I’m told, “You went to grad school? Why? Hah, that’s where you work? Wow, can’t they give you a better school? That’s why I told you not to go into education.”
• I ask my friends questions and am inquisitive about stories. I’m told, “Why do you ask so many questions? You need to let someone else talk for awhile.”
• I ask people to take their shoes off when they come on the carpet in my house. They say, “oh my gosh, you’re so particular. It’s fine. Why do you have so many special requests for people? Just let them do what they want.”
• I try to be myself and say my piece and I’m told, “Why are you acting bitchy? You need to act this way instead. Oh, it must be because you’re pregnant/a woman/on your period.”

So, as you can see…with the constant trying to please others, all that I felt was empty. A shell of a person who lived her life on someone else’s terms.

These examples prove why I needed that constant reassurance of love. Why I struggled with weight. Why I can’t accept certain things in life. Why I have constant anxiety.

I say all of this, to all of you, because it’s hard trying to be what everyone else wants you to be. It’s hard when your life’s motto is, “In a world where you can be anything…be yourself” and yet when I try, people want me to change. I want to ask them, “Do I ever do this to you? Do I ask you to change the way you are? Do I let you be who YOU want to be? Then let me be ME. Please.”

What can we do now to change?

I knew that something had to give before I had a mental breakdown. I knew that I needed to make the conscious choice to just want be me without someone telling me to change. Without someone telling me to be different. But then, I was worried my anxiety would strike again – would people want to be my friend if I am the REAL me?

Well, it’s about damn time that changed (thanks, Lizzo!)

It’s about DAMN time we shed those people pleasing patterns and release the ROAR (Thanks, Katy Perry!) Can you tell I dig some pop music created by badass females?

I’m 38 years old and it’s time I stepped up to the name: Brianna Brown. I want to be the friend that people love to see. I want people to be excited with me as we light each other’s fires. I want to be head strong and powerful, without fear. I want to love and be loved in return.

But – how do I get there?

Well, back in early 2022, or hell, maybe even 2021, I heard a badass podcast by a woman named Sahara Rose. She has a podcast called, The Highest Self Podcast.

In Episode 410, called The Subtle Ways You May Be A People Pleaser with Hailey MaGee, she drops some truth bombs like you WOULDN’T believe!

I’ve compiled a summary for you, as this is kind of my thing, my friends, so listen up – because I’m about to spill the tea on how YOU can stop being a people pleaser and have some serious breakthroughs.

The Subtle Ways You May Be A People Pleaser with Hailey MaGee

Here are biggest takeaways from the episode…and I would recommend taking notes:

• When you have a sensitivity to something, honor it instead of judging yourself. This is trusting your own intuition.
• You are not too sensitive; you are in tune to the feelings of yourself and others. You are allowed to call out behavior that’s not serving you. If you need to have that difficult conversation, feel free to do so if you wish to strengthen the friendship. Don’t expect them to be a mind reader and know that their behavior bothers you.
• Setting the boundaries and speaking your truth is important; the reason some people don’t is because of that fear of abandonment. That they feel they must put other’s needs first, before their own, in order to be seen as valuable or of worth. When you start speaking your truth, and setting boundaries, you worry about people leaving you and not being lovable.
• When people pleasers speak their truth, they fear that others will see them as narcissistic.
• When it comes to friendships are about honoring and valuing each other, not conforming to how they wish you to be. And when you feel guilt for letting a friendship go or speaking your truth, don’t see it as a sign that you’ve done something wrong, see it as New and familiar and speaking up for that inner self that has been hidden and neglected for so long.
• Think about how you would want someone to tell you their truth as well, especially if they are hiding how they truly feel.
• You don’t need to blame yourself or someone else when you aren’t meshing well together; you are just two different puzzle pieces that don’t fit together, and that’s OK.
• If you’re worried that you’re giving of yourself too much, ask yourself if that same person you’re doing something for would do the same for you.
• However, if you’re constantly feeling heavy after spending time with a person, it may be time to let that friendship go.
• If you want someone to hear you out more, instead of always being the listener, you can say to them that you are trying your best to actively speak more in conversation, so would they be willing to ask more questions about you and be more interested to help you practice? Would you be open to exploring more and exchanging ideas together?
• Sometimes your need to help someone is actually due to you not wanting to feel THEIR pain anymore. They may not feel the pain themselves, but you want to help them because you want to rid yourself of feeling their pain.
• Be the person to create the environment or the type of activity that people want to be a part of, instead of just providing space for them to complain and talk about their lives. Activity based hangouts Instead of using each other as journals.
• This next one was a HUGE breakthrough moment for me. As people pleasers, we mold and shape ourselves in order to elicit a desired reaction from someone else. This is actually a form of control and manipulation. You do not need to perform to make others like you! It is a coping mechanism and a trauma response.
• It’s like, instead of being genuine, you overtly act a certain way to make others like you, and then get upset when they don’t. You weren’t doing it to be overly friendly, you were doing it to get a certain reaction. So, when you’re trying to hard, you’re actually doing it so that you can receive more affection and attention. So really, it was not about them, it’s about you. So, when you give, give with the intention of giving, not with strings attached or for some expected response.
• You instead want the safety of that person’s friendship, to know that you are a value versus wanting the connection of a friendship. You wish to control the situation so that you have the safety of knowing you are likable. Think about your intention Dash if it’s to give or to know that you are valuable.
• Being authentic is scary because sometimes we don’t even know who we are when we are not people pleasing.
• Prioritize your own needs instead of waiting for someone to mind read your needs and give them to you. Make sure you make time for yourself, just as much as you make time for other people. Remember it’s not in your control to care about what others need, but it is in your control about what you need. Let someone have their choice to live the way they choose to.
• Set internal boundaries and then this leads to having good external boundaries.
• Being clear on who we are and what we want will help us clear these people pleasing tendencies. This will allow us to have true connection where we are seen and we can see the other person for who they are.
• It’s important to be known for who you are and not just liked.

Final Thoughts…

Of course, there was SO much more value in this episode, so I absolutely recommend checking it out as well as Hailey MaGee, a certified coach and writer, on IG.

If you’re unsure where to even START the process, be sure to follow Hailey as she has some fantastic ideas and resources to help you on your journey. A quick tip from Medical News Today says just to start rehearsing the word No. Practice setting boundaries of what you’re willing to do or who you’re willing to be, and you’ll slowly strengthen that muscle.

My final thoughts – Is it going to be an easy change? Fuck no. Are you going to feel like you’re living a different life? Yes, you will. And it’s because you are. It might not be easy, and you’ll begin to feel so unsure of yourself, but remember – you are worth it.

Breaking free from people-pleasing patterns is one of the most badass and liberating moves you can make for yourself. By setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing your needs, and fully embracing your true self, you reclaim your personal power and open the door to an authentic, fulfilling life. Remember: saying “no” when necessary is not just okay—it’s a superpower. You deserve a life that aligns with your values and desires, not someone else’s expectations.

Ready to step into your authentic power? Let’s continue the journey together:

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You’ve got this, besties—let’s break free, live boldly, and slay unapologetically! 🌈🔥💪