58: What If the Life You’re Waiting For Is Already Happening? | Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh – Badass Books and Besties
What if your reactions aren’t flaws—but messages from your past asking to be heard?
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “Why do I always react like this?” or “Why do I keep ending up in the same emotional patterns?”—this conversation is for you.
In this episode of Badass Books & Besties, we unpack the deeply transformative book The Origins of You by Vienna Pharaon, a licensed marriage and family therapist who invites us to look honestly—and compassionately—at how our childhood wounds continue to shape our adult lives.
This isn’t about blaming parents or reliving trauma for the sake of it. It’s about awareness, choice, and reclamation.
Take a breath. You’re safe here. Let’s walk through this together.
Your Past Is Not Behind You—It’s With You
One of the most powerful truths Vienna offers is this:
Your past lives in your present reactions, choices, and relationships.
Many of us learned early that staying connected required abandoning parts of ourselves. When authenticity threatened attachment, attachment usually won. That’s why reactivity matters.
Reactivity isn’t a flaw. It’s a flare. A signal from an earlier version of you asking for care.
Reflection
- Where in your life have you chosen connection over authenticity?
- Think of a recent overreaction (no judgment). What did that moment remind your nervous system of?
Journal prompt:
“When I’m most reactive, the younger part of me is afraid that ______.”
Naming the Wound: You Can’t Heal What You Can’t See
Vienna teaches that healing begins with one brave question:
“What did I want most as a child and not get?”
When wounds remain unnamed, they show up as:
- Overreacting, then shame-spiraling
- People-pleasing or performing
- Saying “I’m fine” while your body says otherwise
- Giving great advice you can’t take yourself
When reactions feel bigger than the moment, there’s usually a longer story underneath.
Gentle pause
Close your eyes if you can and ask:
“What am I still trying to earn that should have been given freely?”
Love? Safety? Belonging? Priority? Trust?
If that question hit your chest—good. You touched something real.
The Five Core Wounds (and How They Heal)
Vienna identifies five emotional wounds that shape how we love, fight, and connect.
1. “I Want to Feel Worthy”
When love or praise was inconsistent, many of us learned to perform for worth.
Perfectionism. Productivity. People-pleasing. “If I’m impressive enough, I’ll finally feel lovable.”
Reframe: Worthiness is your birthright—not a performance review.
Micro-practice
- Write a compassionate witness statement:
“A younger me learned to perform to feel loved. I can grieve that now.” - Choose one act of unearned receiving today: accept help, rest without earning it, receive a compliment without deflecting.
2. “I Want to Belong”
True belonging doesn’t come from shrinking to fit—it comes from showing up as you are.
Many of us learned to conform because authenticity felt risky. But belonging that costs your truth always hurts.
Reflection
- Where do your current choices align with your values?
- Where do they quietly betray them?
Belonging move: Take one small risk toward authenticity this week—say the honest no, wear the thing you love, voice the truth gently but clearly.
3. “I Want to Be Prioritized”
If you grew up feeling secondary to distractions, stress, or survival, you may unconsciously repeat that pattern.
You may:
- Chase proof you matter
- Spiral when plans change
- Read silence as rejection
One of the most powerful tools Vienna offers is this reframe: “The story I’m telling myself is…”
Instead of: “You don’t care.”
Try: “The story I’m telling myself is that I don’t matter when plans change.”
This opens dialogue instead of defensiveness.
Healing this wound means building internal proof of priority, so external validation isn’t your only oxygen.
4. “I Want to Trust”
Trust wounds often come from abandonment or betrayal.
To protect ourselves, we may:
- Test people instead of communicating
- Push them away to see if they’ll chase
- Attach anxiously or avoid intimacy altogether
Here’s the paradox: The strategies we use to avoid abandonment often recreate it.
Two-part healing path
- Rebuild trust with yourself
Keep small promises to you. - Practice clear bids with others
Say what you need without traps or tests.
Trust grows from consistency, not promises.
5. “I Want to Feel Safe”
Safety isn’t a thought—it’s a body state.
Vienna is clear: Love and abuse cannot coexist.
Your nervous system needs proof, not persuasion.
Safety practices
- Name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
- Lengthen your exhale
- Ask: “Do I feel safe enough here to stay engaged?”
If not, create safety through a boundary, a pause, or leaving.
Conflict, Communication & Boundaries
Most fights aren’t about the surface issue. They’re protests over emotional disconnection.
Unhealthy patterns often include:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Control
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
Healing shifts
- Criticism → vulnerable need
- Defensiveness → ownership
- Contempt → curiosity
- Stonewalling → regulated pause
Healthy communication is assertive: clear, kind, specific, and accountable.
Before hard conversations, ask:
- What am I actually trying to say?
- What do I hope they reflect back?
- What outcome am I truly willing to work toward?
Boundaries: Porous, Rigid, or Just-Right
Healthy boundaries don’t end relationships—they define where love can safely flow.
- Porous: over-giving, over-sharing, self-abandonment
- Rigid: shutting down to avoid hurt
- Healthy: clear, compassionate, consistent
Boundaries say: “I love you—and I love me too.”
Your Reclamation: Choosing Yourself Without Abandoning Love
This is where everything comes together. Ask yourself:
- Where am I bending to be chosen?
- Who do I think I need to be to be loved?
- What happens if I bring me instead?
Choosing yourself isn’t selfish. It’s honest.
Tiny reclamations
- Tell the truth one sentence sooner
- Rest when your body whispers
- Ask for reassurance before spiraling
- Celebrate one congruent choice this week
Mantra: “I can heal without hating who I had to be.”
Lightning Toolkit (Save This)
- Name the wound: “The thing I wanted most and didn’t get was ______.”
- Reactivity = a flare, not a failure
- Keep promises to yourself
- Use: “The story I’m telling myself is…”
- Lead with need, then collaborate
- Check boundaries: porous, rigid, or flexibly kind
- Choose authenticity over approval—again and again
Ready for Support?
If this post stirred something in you, don’t rush to “fix” it. Be gentle. Drink water. Journal three sentences your younger self needed to hear.
If you want community and thoughtful conversation, come join us inside Badass Book Besties — a cozy, bookish space for women who want to grow, reflect, and live more intentionally.
If you want personalized support to map your patterns, heal your wounds, and reclaim your life with clarity and accountability, explore my coaching options. Coaching Packages
Until next time — keep reading brave, loving loud, and choosing the version of you that’s truest. 💛
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